Friday, July 22, 2011

I WIsh I Felt Nothing

Isn't that the truth? Anyone that truly knows me, knows this is not the real Zach, one to show emotion or give to damns about anything related to love. But to be honest, maybe I have been hiding it from myself, the real Zach. A real person that has a huge heart that deep down loves love.

Its funny how we come about to learn new things about others and of course ourselves. I can tell you I guess I am human as the next and truly do have a heart that is warm and open, and not a cold steel closed one that I have portrayed for many years. This is what love feels like when you actually try it and give your heart to others. It is suppose to hurt, just like the 80s song by the J. Giles Band, Love Stinks or Love Hurts by Nazareth. I can truly say that I did my best and tried to be there for her, knowing what she had on her plate of life. A single mother to a wonderful young man, a Redsox nut, OU fanatic, a football mom, student, a walker of life in all directions, but at the same time she knew what she was getting in return. A guy that would walk to hell and back for her without question, but also at the same time respect all of those things that she had going. Just maybe it took a little time for me to fully understand that she was a busy gal. What can I say I'm a slow learner hehe

I know she doesn't want to hear this as it just makes it that much harder, but thank you Dani, for this past month of what you gave me, your smile, your hugs, your frandship as I say it, your heart, your everything. I am sorry for hitting a few nerves tonight on the phone as we talked. I had no intentions to do that, I was just telling you the view from my side. It was not right of me to keep pressing the issue. All I asked for was some honesty and closure, I just can put it in the good Lords hands and pray that I haven't completely lost you even if that means just us being friends and not frands. (You realize it won't be the same saying it when your not around?) Even as I write this I am smiling when I should probably be truly crying because of how much I really do hurt. But that is what I loved about you and the time we had, was I was always in heaven and no matter what you made me feel whole again and like a real person.

Thank you Dani for putting those smiles on my face. They say you just know it when you know it, well I know it was something that they will be writing about in the history books of PIC's, bestfrands and the Little Rascals. Nothing will make me resent you or hate you in anyway, because I've changed, you've changed me for the good, even if it is with a little heartache :( Can't say I didn't try and I truly believe you tried your best too, but in the end....

2 comments:

  1. Zach-

    We haven't been friends that long at all but I'd say we're pretty good friends. I like you more than most other humans and that says a lot. ;) This is a side of you that I DID NOT know could possibly exist. Dani sounds like a wonderful girl. If anyone can make you say things like you've said throughout your last few months of blogging- she must be as close to perfect as humanly possible. Life is hard sometimes and people do things we can never explain. Just remember that everything happens for a reason. You said that you thanked her for the past month that you guys had together and that is a great way to look at it. Give her some time and continue to be there for her and things will be okay. You're a tough guy. I have my fingers crossed for y'all.

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  2. Thanks for reading into all my wonderful expressiveness and also a few rants. I really feel like this allows me to better express my feelings and views that I might not be able to honestly express in other ways.

    And yes, Kelsi; Dani is one of a kind, an amazing, wonderful woman who I really care deeply about and I know she does feel the same way, just a lot of things going on in her life right now. But I have made it clear that I am her for her whenever she feels she is ready for someone to be hand in hand with her in all of lifes adventures good or bad!! I am giving her all the time that she needs or wants and respect her decision whatever that might be when or if it does come. I too have my fingers crossed and constantly saying little prayers :)

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