Thirty-four to life...

When does life begin and when does it end? No matter what religion or non-religion one may believe in, it is left up to us, the individual to make life the way we see it. They say when you are handed a lemon you can do two things with it, personally I feel the number is endless, because well it truly is. In this case I must take that lemon and squeeze the hell out of it; and make the best damn tasting lemonade one has every tasted.

I am at a crossroads in life. Not yet 35 years old in a seeming-less journey through life with ups, downs, circles, squares and anything else that one could encounter. But yet, I still have that burning question inside of me, why me? Why now? Why am I dealing with this? One could say I am having a little pitty party. Well guess what, I am and I will cry if I want to. I just can't wrap my little brain around what have I done to deserve what I have in life at the current state. One would look at what I have and say, "Why do you complain?" Good question. In my own mind I just feel I have more to offer and I was put here for a reason. But what is that reason.

I feel like I am a pretty good upstanding judge of character. I have my faults, but we all do. When I do make mistakes; and they are often, I own up to them and apologize. I just feel there is something lacking inside me. Yet, these are those tough answers to answer, because well who knows what I am supposed to be feeling. I just feel like I should be further along in life than where I am at. I have successfully obtained two college degrees and a good career. Not bad, but there is more out there. Not saying I want the white picket fence and little house, with a wife; and kids, but I do know I want to be loved truly and unconditionally. Not sure how I feel about that really, how does one sit there patiently and wait for that special someone to come along. But it will happen. Just got to have faith as Limp Bizkit sang. Well they weren't the first, but I liked their version a lot better.

I think I have kind of went back and forth between life's ups and downs; and just not knowing what I am suppose to be doing with my life. Nonetheless I think anyone who reads this will understand to a point. We all have days of ups and downs, it is just how we move on from those moments in life when we feel like we have been given the shaft. But again life is how we make it; and if I accept defeat or give up then I have not allowed myself to live the life I want. I shall conquer this little bit of down point in my life, just like the ones before and many to come. That is life, just like a roller coaster. So I shall pull those boot straps up and march on...  

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum!!

Ex's..... As Friends?

Is being friends with an ex really manageable or is it like trying to find that elusive unicorn? Is it possible? For me personally I would like to think that it is possible, it's all in how the relationship ended. If it ended with a knock down drag out fight, that may not be the best situation, but if you both have decided that in the end it's not going to work out romantically then maybe a solid friendship can blossom.... I believe that flower is slowly blossoming for me.

I won't lie that I've not always tired to be friends with an ex once things where over, but sometimes it was for the best of both parties. Other times I tried, but the other side just felt it necessary to cause the other pain. But for the most part I've tried to remain a friend and be there for the other person. Love isn't just an on/off switch that can be easily turned off. You can fall out of love, but that doesn't mean you still don't love that person, just not in the sense of being romantically linked to them. This story is about a boy and a girl.

When I love, I love hard, so when I must pick myself up off the floor and dust myself off from a breakup it doesn't happen over night for me. It takes a while for me to put myself back together. In these case of my last relationship, the love is still there, but I know that for both of us to be happy that the next step must take place; and that is not losing the other indefinitely. For the most part the relationship we shared was an amazing one that had mostly all highs with a few lows, but in the end maybe it was for the best that we close that chapter of our love life. This new chapter will only bring renewed success as friends, but it will also keep that love we both do share for one another strong. Just in that friend kind of love that only friends have. We are both mature adults and know that it is a two-way street for this to work out. Only time will tell.

 
But I feel that I am a strong enough individual to make this work. Like I said, I couldn't imagine my life with that void of her not being there at very least as my friend. We share to many wonderful memories just to throw them completely away. Some might say it can't work, some will say you are only going to hurt yourself in the end, but I know it can be done. It's not like I'm hunting for that damn elusive unicorn that doesn't exist.

In the end of failed relationship a person has two roads that they can choose to travel, the high road and that means being a better friend and trying to make things work out; or they can take the road less traveled and call it quits or be a complete asshole to the other party just to try and make themselves feel better. No one gets anything out of that road. I feel that for a friendship to succeed both parties must put an effort into it for the flower to fully blossom. What kind of flower could grow from it, who knows, it could be the most beautiful flower one has ever seen; or it could be one that never matures and dies before it is even born.

So in closing the sky is the limit and the future is now, so this flower of friendship is going to bloom into something wonderful that only two hearts can share... It's either friends or bust!!

What We Make of Today!

There is no time like NOW! In a world of what if's and no one can paint the future, we must take a stand for the moment that we live in now. I use to be one of the most optimistic people out there, sadly I even have my days where I only see the glass half empty. I think everyone in their life has their ups and downs. Like the old saying, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Well it is true, although I won't lie sometimes I think it would be far easier if those things did just put us out of our misery. But this to shall pass and one must make the best out of the now.

I have nights were I lay in bed, tired as all, but my brain just wont shut off. Last night was one of those nights. I worked until midnight, got home put on a movie, watched it; and was still wide awake. Guess there is just a lot on my mind these days. Work is alright, nothing to write home about, the city of Tucson is ok, but there is bigger and better out there; and then relationships... Well as I get older it seems that I fall harder and harder for the woman that I am with, you could say I am a softy at my more mature years. Right now, my heart hurts and I'm working on ok each and every day... (great song by Cross Canadian Ragweed by the way!) They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Not sure I really am buying this BS that they are trying to sale. But again, we live and we learn; and we move forward!! This is why I have some good days and some not so good days right now in life. It will get better, oh yes it will!

So what is it that we must do to make it today? Do what you love! Quit using excuses and take that bull by the horns; and kick its ass!! Pull up those boots up by the strap and march to your own beat. Today is the day I start living... for ME!! Just like one of Stuart Smally laughable quotes, "I deserve good things, I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with." I love it!! This is me to a T. I deserve good things in my life, that means a great career that I am actually appreciated, not just another worker bee and people that want to include me in their life, because well I am just awesome.

Today is my day; and from here on out, if you aren't with me then go fuck yourselves!!

P.S. one more thing... Have a nice day :)

Lost in Transition...

Well well well, it's been awhile since I've last posted something; and it is time to get back to the basics. Relationships. Who is to blame when a relationship fails? Is it the one that makes mistakes, lies, cheats or steals? Is either parties fault, something out of our control or is it yourself to blame for failures in life.

I for one can take fault for my own actions. I am only human and I make mistakes, but when I am wrong I work even harder to make right and apologize. Sometimes it is not easy to say sorry. One thing for sure it is easy to say hurtful, regretful things towards someone you love. But that doesn't make it right even if those words you feel are how you are feeling or see things going on. I guess sometimes its better to bit ones tongue than to speak before thinking. I don't always practice what I try to preach, but I do my best to say the right thing. Now, that doesn't mean say the things that the other wants to hear, but to say the right thing, because it truly is the right thing to say.

I have recently gone through my own trials and tribulations; and I will say this it is NOT easy. To be perfectly honest I am not good with love. Love should come natural and not forced. I read an eye opening article this morning about that subject titled, "Love is Not Enough", by Mark Manson. It was a lovely written piece of advice regarding relationships, love and what else is needed to have a forever lasting relationship. And the main piece of advice was that love cannot be forced, even if the two parties do love each other. If there are other factors, then the relationship is doomed. The biggest point that he talks about is love does not equal compatibility; and that is a tough one for me to swallow. Especially when you do find someone that you share many goals, interests and laughs at the same things with you. But there is more to that than meets the eye. It just sucks when you share so many common interests with someone and in the end well... who knows what it is supposed to mean.

Another key point he talks about is, Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. Again I can relate to what he says. You cannot try and make the other party always happy at the expense of your own happiness. You must be happy. Here is a precise point that he makes and I know it to well...

"But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it. If we find ourselves in situations where we’re tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that’s essentially what we’re doing: we’re allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we’re not careful, it will leave us as a shell of the person we once were."

That is some powerful stuff right there or at least to me it is. One must get back to basics; and love and respect themselves first before trying to appease the other.

So what did I gather from this insightful article, that it takes real work for love to work. And in the end, Love is Not Enough, there has to be more than just love. Communication is a big role player in relationships and without that sometimes there cannot be love. When you fall down, you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, no matter how much the heartache hurts. I'm in it to win it in life, love and the pursuit of happiness!! When a relationships is flawed and runs out in the end, you cannot dwell on the what ifs or should have done this differently. Its a life lesson and one that I am still working on getting right.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop for now, this was a much needed blog entry and you will have more to read in the future. Until then I must love myself and do it for me, not just try and force things or try and make the other person happy or love me if the love isn't really there.


I have attached the article, because I feel it is a great read for all, enjoy... http://markmanson.net/love

Bullying has lost its way with Jesus

Another tragic loss of life has been felt today. This time in Stillwater as Cade Poulos, a jr. high student committed suicide at school! Why did this happen? Should have it happened? These are questions that will be asked. I am just as sad as the next person hearing of this event, but let's take a look at the bigger picture.

It is not new, but has come to light since the Columbine shooting in 1999. Bullying is nothing new, it's new to the fact that it has become the social movement of our time.

The victims of bullying are using the easy way out, violence. They are victims of useless violence, yet they extract violence in return. This is not the answer. The real issue isn't bullying as it has been around since the beginning of time. The real issue is Americans have lost their way with God! Oh how easy it is to forget or ignore the fact that Jesus died on the cross for our sins was an act of bullying. With that being said...

We have lost our way with Jesus and faith in general. When the good Lord is present in ones life there shall be no worries or evil that you cannot overcome. With his faith in our hearts we can be victorious!

Now I'm not the most religious person by any means, but I firmly believe in the Almighty!

The challenges that the youth today face have become more and more trying each day. Technology has cast a spell over the world. Morals have went out the window, family and faith are not what they use to be. You add all of these things plus other variables and you are bound to have something blowup in front of you. It is those moral values, lack of faith and lack of family interaction/parenting these days that has caused the real issue, not bullying. If parents took the time to sit down with their kids and teach them the way of the Lord, with family and moral values the world would be a much better place. Sadly, parents are to busy these days to actually know what really is going on in their child's life. Sit down meals at supper time are a thing of the past. This gave parents and kids that face-to-face time that is needed in ones life. It helps us express issues that we are faced with. Praying together before bed helps reassure any fears, because you are placing those fears in the hands of the good Lord. These simple practices can change a kids life. These are the true outlets they need, not murder or suicide.

Bullying is a fact of life. Whether we like it or not we are faced with it at some point. From your boss that belittles you every day, because they had a bad day at home, or the police using excessive force when it truly is not needed, or men beating their wives; it is all a type of bullying. It is never good that bullying happens, yet it does.

Anyone that was born before 1990 knows bullying has been around forever, we just dealt with it differently. If you got into trouble at school most likely you were spanked at school and again at home; if not worse repercussions happened! When you were bullied or disrespected at school you fought it out one-on-one on the playground or for you old timers the flagpole. That was a way of life, you squashed altercations right there and then. No stewing over it for days, months or years; keeping it all bottled up until the right moment was there to unleash the beast. We talked things out. Most of the time after a playground fight you actually became friends with your opponent. Not always.

Again this new way of committing murder, violence or suicide to get the attention of the public and/or bully is just nonsense. And the media has played right into the hands of those committing the acts of violence. They add fuel to the fire, because every time something happens of this nature, the next kid is watching the news coverage figuring out his/her plot. It's not rocket science. Kids prepare for these type of events sadly. How can there's be bigger & deadlier than the last.

Parents need to be held more accountable. They need to take the reigns and teach kids violence is not the way, there are better solutions. Yes, sadly today you can't just run out to the playground and either whip that "butt" or get whipped. Those days are long gone, now days everyone has a weapon and will use it.

Hopefully the family of Cade in Stillwater will find the strength in the good Lord to understand the events of today. No one should have to deal with bullying, but it is how we go about dealing with it that sets the tone for the future.

Everyone knows Psalms 23: 4-6, Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and staff, they comfort me. This scripture signifies that fear we have in life, yet faith in the good Lord will not allow us to be fearful as we have comfort in you! Parents must reaffirm church and Christ as part of a child's education, without these kids will become those lost sheep.

When times get tough, true faith in Jesus Christ will guide you to the justice you seek. Bullying is unjustified, but by denying Christ in ones life is the ultimate injustice!!

Most educated individuals will have their own opinions, rants and point of views, whether they are good, bad or indifferent & I welcome them all. But I've seen and read enough about all this violence and how bad bullying is to take the time to rant myself. In end it is sad that another child was taken before their time, but it is not bullying that is the issue it is the lost ways of society and lack of faith and Jesus Christ that is the real issue!!

Three's Company…

They say everything happens in waves of three. Lately, maybe that is the case for my relationships and a bad case of karma. Let me get this off my chest, I am no saint nor am I perfect. I have many flaws and I will be the first to admit to my mistakes.

When it comes to relationships I feel that it is one subject area that I am still lacking the vital tools to make one last in the end. I feel comfortable that I have pretty good people skills in general, but when it comes to the fairer sex and dating, something is missing. I need to restock my toolbox with tools for 21^st century dating.

I am by far the easiest person to get along with; I am not mean by any means, just quite stubborn in my ways and views. That right there is one of my issues. Isn’t admitting you have a problem the first step in recovery? (Wait that’s a whole different ball of wax.) I am always quick to lecture a point about something, not so much into actually lecturing, but it just comes across that way. Mostly it seems to come from my own personal experiences and I am only trying to give advice, but some take it as I am being a parent and lecturing to them. None of us like to be lectured too. But from what I have gathered in my short life and from the lectures that I have received there is a point behind them; and usually for the best. At the time we may not want to hear it, but whoever is doing the talking probably knows a thing or two on the subject at hand. I believe I am no different as I have experienced many up’s and down’s in my short life. To me those have been learning experiences.

Prior to my most recent relationship bumble, the previous two before that ended around the third month via text message; nonetheless this last one was no different. Except we made it to four months! Oh technology, how you can be a cruel cruel tool these days. This is where karma has come full circle in my life. 

Almost two years ago, I was the one who did the breaking up via text. Hippocratic yes I am and guess what here I am blaming no one but myself. This time it seemed different for my end, was pretty much caught off guard, but at the same time don’t feel as down about it. Does that mean the care or love for that individual wasn’t there? No. Those feelings were true, but what cost us was two stubborn individuals that was not going to communicate in the end, because I am me and tired of being the good guy that seems to screw something up and own up to that screw up, yet didn’t do any good. Thought we were both grown adults and had better communication skills to work an issue out. Guess I said one thing, yet went against what I said and it was misconstrued. Again when you only communicate via text message, a message or two most likely will get misinterpreted. I know I’ve had to re-read a message a time or two and then the light bulb went off as to, oh that is what they meant. Silly me.

I recently read someone’s quote that dealt with “It is what it is”, they said it wasn’t, but “It is what we make of it.” I fully see that as the glass half full view on anything in life.

I didn’t think my dating or relationship skills were this bad, but from the looks of things, I obliviously have some sort of learning disability. I true to take every bad and turn it into good or very least a learning experience that I do not want to duplicate. I typically tell people I am a slow learner, sometimes I don’t think they really believe me, but in the end it’s the truth.

Communication is the best skill a person can have when it comes to relationships of any kind, without communication things will get misinterpreted and if you can’t communicate to fix those misinterpretations then things are doomed. Guess it’s time for me to go back to school and learn communication skills again.

I know in the end I didn’t help the situation, it seemed in the last month of the relationship we had more little arguments then we did the whole rest of the time we dated. A lot of those were brought on by me, because when I do communicate I want to resolve the issue, not just turn and walk away. And when that happened I only made things worse by making the person talk, but that is who I am, I hate to leave unfinished business at hand. Some of those arguments were quite silly looking back. One dealt with how the president and congress was in a fuss about Ralph Lauren and the Olympic clothing issue. All I wanted was her thoughts, didn’t know it would lead to the beginning of the end, but it did. A few weeks later here I am writing my thoughts out.

And this is where I hope to learn some of those new tools, by talking about my failures and listening to advice from others. Does that mean I should listen while someone is lecturing to me? No, it just means maybe they have had similar experience and can help better understand what went wrong. So please by all means this is open for criticism and lecturing, have at it!

I'm back... muther fukers!!! BOP Style

(Well officially it will be tomorrow) But I probably won't be on to post, so enjoy!

Today I start a new adventure! It is one of those that has been long in the making. As of today, I started my first day on the job with the Federal Bureau of Prisons as a correctional officer. Like I said long overdue.

This story starts about six years ago. A year after graduating college I finally was able to get a shot at a decent career. I applied to the Federal Bureau of Prisons as a correctional officer, hoping to land a gig someplace. I really didn’t have any particular place that I would have liked to start, so it didn’t matter to where I was to end up. 

After about a 3-4 month wait to hear anything back from them I got the call and the paperwork to fill out more in depth information about future employment. I sent all that in and a short time later I received word that I had been selected. One catch it was for a federal prison in Herlong, California. Herlong, California? Anyone tell me where this place is? Because I had no idea.

I looked it up on the map and well, it was located in northern California, up past Lake Tahoe. I liked to say it would be like living in Balko, OK. Nothing there! Herlong used to be an old military Army depot for munitions. I guess the federal government got the land for cheap!! It was a new prison that is why I had been selected, because it was new and they needed quite a few employees willing to move out to the middle of nowhere. 

I took the offer and packed my things up and head west. You never say never, but I probably would have not thought I would ever live in California. But it happened. 

Well this ties into a previous blog about drinking and driving. So I get out to Herlong, complete our two week initial training program and figure it would be nice to go out and have drinks with the other six guys that had come in with me in our class. Sounded good right, WRONG! So long story short, that is where I picked up my DUI and actually worked for the BOP for about six months when all of the sudden they were like, “Um I think its best that we part ways, because of your little hick-up.” I really couldn’t do anything about it; I messed up, which in your first year of employment is not good. As a new employee you are on probation for the first year, which means no; I mean absolutely no screw ups!

I guess you could say I learned my lesson the hard way. 

Fast forward almost six years to the date of getting hired the first time around and I am getting a second chance to prove what I should have been doing this whole time. I think I know what I am up against this time and in this line of business, I can’t afford three strikes and you’re out. I have to make this one count. 

So as I complete my first day of institutional formularization, I am sitting here smiling as I get that second chance to make a great impression. I am going to make the most out of it and do my best. 

Working as a correctional officer is not my ideal career, but the avenues it can lead to are wide open. The sky is the limit here; it’s all how I chose to look at the bigger picture.  Hopefully I can do my time for a year or two on the corrections side and then transfer to the non-custodial side and push paper around being a desk jockey. I like that idea a lot more then supervising grownups that for whatever the reason is couldn’t make a good decision that day and now are behind bars for any length of time. And that is where you have to be on your toes. 

At the end of the day I look at it this way. I know I can go home at the end of my shift; it’s how I chose to leave at the end of the day. The inmates aren’t going anywhere, so most of them have nothing to lose. I have it all to lose. You can bet which way I am leaving and that is on my own two feet, just the way I came in. I am not there to be John Wayne, but to make sure they all are doing what they need to do and I’ll do what I need to do; and everyone wins!! 

I think from this experience everyone will enjoy reading my blogs relating to my new job. I know I’ll have some good stories to tell. Word for the wise though, some of those stories will be not far from that you see on television; so be prepared. Until then, happy hunting.